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Self-love: Defined by Resilience

Sunday, September 30, 2018
self-love, self-care, personal-growth

There is nothing more heartbreaking than falling short of your dreams. Everything that you worked so hard for just gone before your eyes. I've been there. I understand the pain. I wince when I reflect back on a very tough lesson learned. Although they are part of life, it does not make them any easier.

A couple of years ago, I was let go of not one, but two temporary positions within a couple of months of each other. I was also in school full time and I had other responsibilities like wedding planning, college ministry, and a new position as president over a student organization that needed to be fully overhauled. I was in over my head and the last thing I needed was to be let go of. I confided in a few trusted friends but it seemed to make matters worse because I felt like no one understood.

I was surrounded by people and felt totally alone. I knew I needed to take a few irons out of the fire as one put it, but I certainly wouldn't have chosen for it to happen the way it did. I wanted to give it my all but I wasn't taking very good care of myself. I experienced anxiety frequently because I was worried everything was falling through the cracks. I finished out the semester. I got married in the summer. I secured a full time job with benefits shortly after but it still felt like hell.

In this ugly transition, I also stopped doing what I loved-dancing. I had been dancing since grade-school. I did everything from tap, ballet, hip-hop, and jazz. I danced at church. I danced at school. Drill-team. Studio. I made room for it where I could. Life did not seem as simple as it did before. I noticed a gap forming in my life and a ten month depression followed.

Once I stopped licking my wounds, I realized that I did not want to stay in a stagnant position. I had experience failure and I did not want to return. Fear is the driver behind the emotions that paralyze you. Fear makes you think that there is emptiness in your future and shame in your past.  I am here to tell you that it is far from true. Though our human nature is flawed, we are also very resilient.

Usually it is the journey that makes us feel like we have failed. It may just be the route we took, decisions we made, or who we entangled ourselves with along the way that make or break accomplishing the dream. That is why I call it a lesson-learned. It does not mean that we cannot explore and try things differently. I knew that if I continued to try the same things before, I would end up in a worse situation. I could not control the outcome of everything, but I could control me. I responded with change.

When difficult situations occurred, I found out what I was made of. There were some characteristics I was proud of and some not so much. I took that as an indicator of what I needed to work on. One of them was realizing that life is full of surprises and at some point I would have to accept that.  As an A-type personality that plans and plans for just about everything, it was hard to comprehend because there is always a plan B, or C…. right? I mean right?? 

Well anyone can plan and I am of course all for it but please know that the tighter you hold on to something, the more the burn will hurt when it is ripped away even for a moment. It took a while to get back on track. Thankfully, I am in a place in life where I am able to sort things out. I definitely prioritize my life better than I ever have.

From Me To You,
It is never too late to start over again. Do not allow fear and indecision to become a barrier in reaching your dream. If no one has ever said it, I will. I am sorry for all you have gone through. I know it hurts. You may feel all alone right now, but this too will pass. When you are ready, wipe your eyes and look up. Dust the dirt off and rise up beloved. A new journey awaits you if you will just try again.

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